Friday, January 6, 2012

My dad dying

I tired to think of a clever title for this post, but I just couldn't come up with anything.  I wanted to address the way my mind has been processing my dad dying as it seems there are only 2-3 people who have any idea whats going on in that crazy mind of mine.

First a little bit of background.
I was not super close to my dad at all.  He was a drunk that spent a good majority of my life (and most/all of my brothers) being drunk and irresponsible.  I was forced to jump up into the "man of the house" position early on in my life.  Although I like the way I turned out it was not fair to force a young person into a roll like that.  I was the only good male role model for my brother as it seemed like no other person in my family cared to involve themselves in "our" business.  I tried my best and everything seemed to work out ok in the end.

Our relationship hit lots of rocky parts, but was never necessarily bad.  I was kicked out of my house a couple of times in high school because I stood up to him.  Luckily I had great friends (especially SV(although she was SF then!) on a very rainy night) that helped me out.

Dad was arrested for DUI once in high school which really made me stop and think about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.  I saw this pity in peoples face which downright offended me.  I didn't (and still don't) need pity from anyone.  I make my own way and shit happens, so you deal and move on.

I went to Mass Maritime in large part because I wanted discipline in my life.  I didn't want to become what he was, an uncontrolled fool.  I went to MMA and thrived, loving the disciplined military lifestyle.  Back home DW suffered under a fool of a father, while I flourished.  That being said I did my best to assist when I was home, but I had moved on.

My parents got divorced my junior (I think) year in college and it was the BEST thing that could have happened.  Really it should have happened before, but at least now people were happy.  Of course my dad had zero idea what happened for a while, but at least we didn't have to deal with him.

The biggest blow for me was the fact that he showed up drunk to my college graduation from MMA.  I mean really?  You cant go 6 hours with out drinking and go to your sons college graduation?  Unreal.  He then got arrested again later that year for DUI at my cousins wedding.  At that point I wrote him off and said good luck I am going to do my own.

 When we found out we were pregnant I of course called and told him.  He has stopped drinking at this point and was back working again.  He was genuinely excited for me, which was nice for once.  Things seemed to get better leading up to us having the baby.  He came out a couple weeks after we had JW and got to see him.  Then a week later he was dead.

A strange thing to deal with all of a sudden became a very real thing to deal with when I left MW with a 1.5 month JW to go and clean out his apartment.  The first time it was my mom, my aunt and myself.  The second time my brother and uncle came.  So I cleaned up all of the stuff he had accumulated over the years, cleaning around the area where he died.  It was very obvious where he had died and it was a strange thing to have to deal with.

The biggest wake up I have taken away from this experience is the reaction people had after teh funeral.  No one on either side of my family followed up with me and asked how I was doing, even when I had Christmas parties with both sides.  No one said anything, everyone just acted like nothing had happened.  The only family member to ask me how i was doing was MW mom.  Very rarely, if ever, do I name people in this blog, but I want to thank her.  Thank you Janet for reaching out to me, it really made me happy to know at least someone was thinking about how I was doing besides MW.

I did have a better response from friends. There were some that did not reach out at all, which really angered me.  I am not sure if I want to spend my time with people like that, but I do want to call out a couple of people that have really helped me.  BQ, AG, CG, MCC you guys are awesome.  MC made sure to keep in touch on a particular long voyage out to sea.  There were people who helped that I haven't named here so I appreciate them as well.

The biggest help has been MW.  She has been the most supportive and reassuring person I have ever seen.  Not only did she put up with me during everything, she knows me well enough to know when we just need to go out and talk about nothing.  Thanks Babe!!

Now this sounds like an extremely negative post but it isn't.  I feel very good about 2012!  I am still def dealing with everything and its still an odd feeling, but thats ok.  I have a fantastic family, good job and I am ready for 2012!  For your viewing pleasure here are some Christmas pics of JW!

Ready for Christmas!

I am pretty sure that Fraser Christmas rocked JW's world

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